


I'll Be There

by XtaticPearl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drinking to Cope, Fluff and Angst, Happy Castiel, Happy Dean, Heavy Angst, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean, I Love You, Love at First Sight, M/M, Protective Castiel, Same-Sex Marriage, Schizophrenia, True Love, White Christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 07:38:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4254900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XtaticPearl/pseuds/XtaticPearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just a story of two people who lived. Cas and Dean. Dean and Cas. Nobody should have cared about it much. But they do; the world does. Because you never know you need something till you can’t have it again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean maneuvered through the bushes like his life depended on it. Well, maybe it did. Throwing a glance back he saw a couple of the angry mobsters still hot on his heels.

It was always difficult protesting and rallying during the night. No one coordinated the candles and the signs with colours didn’t shine out well. The only positive was that they could be more boisterous with the slogans and taunts. And Dean was the best at both.

So it was only obvious that the opposing mob had turned on him the most tonight. He really hated it when a bunch of homophobic morons chased him like dogs on heat. It made irony such a bittersweet bitch.

He saw his car parked right around the corner of the building and charged towards it as fast as his legs could.

_Almost there. 20 steps. 15 steps. 5 steps.._

“Fuckity mother of racoons!” Dean could feel the sting of gravel on his backside as he fell on impact with some damned idiot who had appeared out of nowhere.

“Oh! OH! Sorry sorry..God I’m terribly sorry..I just came out for a ..” Dean cut off the ramble of the bumbling boy now hovering over his head with a frantic wave of his hand. He had no time. Not when he could still hear the roar of those bloody cavemen chasing him.

Scrambling to his feet, he pushed the guy aside and opened the door when he felt the first sting.

“Mother F..” Dean saw the blood smear on his palm and cursed every bit of luck he had inherited. The cut across his right palm was definitely deep and his left elbow was pricking like his grandmother’s needles. He could try to steer the car with the bloody hand but the thought of a blood streaked steering wheel and a possible accident due to inability to steer made him reconsider. The footfalls behind him were rising with every tick and Dean made up his mind.

“Get in and drive” he threw the keys blindly in the direction of the other guy and jumped into the passenger seat. For a moment he saw no movement making him look out to see the guy staring at the keys in his hands.

“Anytime today would be nice. You know, unless you want to die with me at the hands of a murderous mob? Would be romantic, but I’m not in the mood to die yet. Soo..” Dean clucked with his tongue making the other guy snap back to reality. He seemed to notice the mob coming closer and it set him into motion. Scrambling into the driver’s seat, he revved up the engine and bolted out of the blasted campus.

“Why are they following us?!” the stranger in a dark shirt and trousers drove straight, the perfect sign of panic setting his voice squeaky and his hands clammy. Dean would have given him credit for not taking his eyes off the road if he wasn’t too busy trying to find the wad of cotton and bandages he usually kept in the glove compartment.

“Hello? What are..Excuse me?!” the guy was sounding exactly like his Uncle Bernie and Dean snorted at that before grabbing the bandage from the cramped compartment.

“Oak Street, 3rd alley to your left.” Dean continued wrapping the gauze strip around his stinging palm, trying to tear it right with his teeth.

It didn’t help when the car came to a screeching halt and he was thrown forward.

“Hey! I can have only so many broken organs!” Dean grumbled, rubbing at the spot on his forehead where he hit the dashboard.

When he turned to look at the driver’s seat, he found a pair of electric eyes the shade of a frozen lake glaring at him. For a minute Dean was stunned by the ice sharp flecks in the startling focussed irises. He had seen tonnes of pretty eyes before, some downright exotic. Blue was hardly an exotic colour compared to the molten gold, cognac brown or hyacinth violet. But the eyes in front of him were downright exquisite.

Dean saw the eyes flicker down to his hand for a moment before he felt the sternness replaced by a hint of exasperation. He would have loved to boast that he was quite confident and controlled about his body but when he saw the stranger lean forward and grasp his hand lightly, he couldn’t stop the silent gasp.

It must have been truly silent or the guy was deaf because he continued to pull the hand towards him. For one mad moment, Dean thought he wanted him to move forward for _something_. But of course, that was just madness, because he saw that his new car companion was only trying to tie the bandage properly.

He saw the long musician’s fingers work swiftly, wrapping the strip of gauze precisely over the wound and tying a tight yet not stifling knot. When the hands left his, Dean felt a twinge of sadness as though he missed the print of them on his skin. He knew that the questions would start pretty soon and tried to stall them by inspecting the neat job on his palm.

“It isn’t Rapunzel’s magical hair to heal you up quickly.” the deadpanned comment from the aristocratic stranger made Dean look up with a quizzical expression before he understood the reference.

“Ha! You know Rapunzel?” he didn’t know why he found it funny but the image of this falcon nosed brooder watching a Disney movie curled up on a sofa with gummy bears to eat made him chuckle.

“Apparently, so did you.” The pointed remark made Dean shut up as quickly as he had begun laughing. Clearing his throat distinctly, Dean tilted his head towards the road but the stranger didn’t budge, simply raising a dark eyebrow.

“Ok, so you have questions” Dean started, turning completely to face the guy whose frowning forehead was now crease-less.

“Why were crazy people following you?” the first question wasn’t so bad, considering the ones Dean was expecting.

“I was in a rally that they didn’t like. I said somethings, they got angry. Apparently their anger management courses were mixed up with fencing and javelin throw training.” Dean shrugged like it was a daily occurrence, which it probably was.

“Did your rally hurt someone?” Dean was intrigued by the question. Normally, people would ask what he was doing or why he was in a rally in the middle of the night. Or better, they would simply walk away. But this guy was sitting calmly, asking questions like they were in a café.

“No! Not really..nobody intentionally” the answer was honest because Dean really didn’t count the self-defence by his mates as intentional hurting. Apparently, it was the right answer because the guy simply nodded.

“Will you be safe in..Oak street?” the stranger mouthed the address like he didn’t trust it. Dean was genuinely confused by the question, a frown creasing his forehead.

“Yeah, as safe as I could be I guess.” He didn’t know why he was answering the question to a total stranger but he felt like he owed it to him if he was going to be driven back home.

There was a moment of absolute silence in the car where Dean could hear the occasional dog bark from some corner and the calm breathing from the man before him. The blue eyes seemed to be assessing him in some way, which made Dean feel like he should straighten his hair or pull down his shirt. He didn’t know how or why but he could feel the exact second the stranger made his decision to trust him.

“Ok.”

The rest of the drive was pretty much silent, with Dean still trying to get over the awkwardness of the situation and realizing that he had given his car to a stranger. He thought he should make some conversation or lighten the atmosphere but one look at the stoic guy beside him and he gave up on the idea. He had enough experience with ticking human time bombs to know that talking would get them nowhere. So, he decided to resort to another idea.

_I don’t need no dreams when I’m by your side..every moment takes me to paradise.._

Dean let his body sway to the tune and even lifted his hands up to snap and clap at the right beats. He knew he heard a choke to his left but he ignored it. Nobody could resist the King of Pop and Dean wasn’t going to let someone be deprived of some good old MJ.

_So baby be mine baby you gotta be mine_

_And girl I’ll give you all I got to give_

He knew that he wasn’t always in-key but Dean didn’t give a damn as he crooned in an atrocious imitation of Jackson. This time he was sure he had heard a chuckle and caught the other guy’s smile at his stupid antics. In that moment Dean saw the laugh lines soften the rigid pale skin of his cheek bones and the arrow-straight posture bleed into a more relaxed zone.

“Are you always this crazy or did the bump get to your head?” the mocking tone didn’t hide a hint of genuine amusement and Dean made a face in response.

“Well, it could be the present company that’s responsible” he teased back only to realize too late that it was an obvious flirtatious. He tried to come up with a witty retort to cover it up but his thinking facilities must have left him when he decided to feel attracted to damned azure eyes.

“Michael Jackson _does_ make people go crazy.” The quip with a serious face made Dean sigh in relief and crack a smile to match the teasing look from his companion.

_You’re everything this world could be ..The reason that I live_

_Won’t you stay with me until the mornin’ sun_

Dean’s laughter at the pathetic karaoke from the poker-faced stranger could be heard all through the street as the car turned around the corner onto Oak Street.

As the car came to a halt a few paces away from the crumbling men’s hostel, Dean didn’t remember ever laughing so much before. It was stupid really, how there was no joke or funny thing involved. Just two guys imitating a cheesy MJ song and silently competing in the Worst Jackson Impression contest.

“Sooo..” Dean never thought that he would ever fiddle with his shirt or rub his neck nervously when talking to a guy but here he was, doing just that.

“Should I do it or are you gonna try?” the amused look from the stranger did nothing to ease the tension and Dean cocked his head in confusion.

“Do what?” there was nothing that made sense till now from the moment they started the drive, but this one was taking the cake.

“The bubble-burst.” The answer sounded so confident and obvious sounding that Dean honestly thought he was going senile.

“What bubble burst? Which bubble?” he was tempted to look around him for a mysterious bubble but something in the widening of the cerulean eyes before him told him that he wasn’t getting the right meaning.

He saw the seat-belt getting unbuckled and the lean body turn completely towards him. He saw the soft smile on the chapped pink lips come closer to his own nervously licked ones. He felt the first huff of warm breath on his right cheek as the intense blue eyes commanded him to close his own. But he didn’t breathe. He didn’t dare breathe, lest the bubble broke too soon.

Finally, finally he felt a rough touch of ghosting flesh over his tight closed lips. It was like the first feel of Lychee, the moment before the burst of its sweet juice coated your tongue.  It was only when he sensed the second touch of lips brushing across his stunned ones did Dean dare to breathe. The warm breath from his mouth must have misted over the chapped lips, because on the third touch, he felt a moist heat loom over his face. They didn’t push further, didn’t touch beyond lips but Dean knew that this was the most intimate touch he had felt in his entire life. When the warmth stopped and he felt a cool breeze tease his bereft mouth, he opened his eyelids to find the ultramarine eyes transcending into a more cobalt tinge and the intense stare fixed on his own open lips.

If there were questions of insanity and screams of suspended reality in the back of his head, Dean simply brushed them away. This was too surreal for him to break with doubts. He tried to push in some oxygen but his lungs seemed to have stopped working with his heart.

“What..why..how did you know?” Dean would have cringed at the squeak if he could but he was still trying to tear his gaze away from the hypnotic look before him.

“You _were_ heading a LGBT rally, your eyes have been pretty much undressing me ever since I bandaged your hand and you flirted with me in the corniest way possible. It was really cute though.” The soft smile at the end of the remark made Dean want to blush but somewhere in his kiss-infected brain, he could hear warning bells.

“Wait..how did you know about the rally? I didn’t tell you what it was about!” Dean didn’t want to panic but he leaned back involuntarily, putting a safe distance between them.

“Because..” the sexy stranger reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a shiny object. Something that Dean recognised immediately and with no less trepidation.

“You’re a cop!” the accusation didn’t faze the stranger who simply raised an eyebrow and nodded.

“And you’re a professor. Strange combination huh?” the stranger didn’t get to finish his sentence before Dean hopped out of the car and began marching towards his hostel.

“Hey! Hey, c’mon, where’s the drill?” the joke fell flat as the guy hurriedly locked the car and jogged up to a furious Dean. “Hey, it’s just my job.” Dean stopped at that and turned his head slightly to meet the confused man.

“Of course, a job that’s cost me the most humiliation and assaults ever. Did you know” Dean now advanced on the man with a finger pointing at his chest “did you know why I had to rush out from the rally today? Why I have to run away from _every_ protest march, meeting or gathering? Cops! You guys! Every fucking time, you guys pick on _us_ instead of the real culprits and why? Just because we’re not ‘normal’. Just because we ask for our fucking rights. It’s the fucking 21 st century and we live in the fucking land of the free but I still have to **run** from every place because of you fucking cops!”

Dean was standing so close to the guy by now that every single blemish on his face looked like a map. His heaving chest almost brushed against the calm and rigid frame of the resilient stranger. It was ridiculous to even think so but for a moment, for just a fraction of a moment, Dean thought he saw the ice blue eyes burn like blue flames. For that one moment he thought that the cop guy was actually turned on by his rant, by him. But then there was the cool ice again and Dean backed away.

“And yet I saved you from an angry mob that would have had fun with a helpless and attractive young professor tonight.” There was no scorn or smugness in his tone but the calm fact felt like a virtual slap to Dean.

Turning on his heels, he began walking back to the hostel “No you didn’t. I would have saved myself. You simply bumped into me at the wrong moment.” Dean huffed out his retort, not bothering to look at the guy following him close behind.

“I’m not sure about that. Didn’t you wonder why I drove a complete stranger being followed by a mad crowd, ..Dean?”

The answer brought Dean to a screeching halt for the second time. His stalker took advantage of the pause and quickly came forward to face him.

“You knew.” It wasn’t a question. Dean knew that he knew.

The short nod from the guy made Dean scrunch up his face. He didn’t understand anything now.

“My brother, Balthazar Novak, is one of your colleagues. I came to take him home and he said that one of his colleagues was missing. ‘A tall, bow legged, green eyed dish’ to quote him. Said you would get ‘hunted’ by the crowd.” The blue eyes were now as soft as buttercream icing and Dean didn’t know if he wanted to thank Balty or hit him with a hammer.

“So what, you just found me and decided to save me?” the sardonic hint to the question wasn’t lost on the guy, now standing with his hands dug into his pockets.

“Nah, I just came there for a quick fag.” He shrugged with a small wink.

“And you found one helpless?!” Dean felt outraged at the comment causing the other guy to chuckle and shake his head.

“No genius, a faaaag” the action of lighting a virtual cigarette made Dean mentally kick himself. His brain was conditioned to insults and crappy nicknames.

Dean rolled his eyes in frustration and started to walk past him “You’re crazy” he murmured loud enough to send the hint.

“I know” the amused voice followed “But I prefer Cas. Crazy sounds less sexy when said..you know, at times.” The blatant flirtation made Dean almost lose the fight against smiling.

“Alright Cas, you can kiss my ass.” The poetic alliteration brought out a guffaw from the guy who was now attempting to enter the hostel.

“I would, but I think I prefer another part of you right now” Cas answered, grabbing Dean’s wrist lightly and pulling him closer. The street light wasn’t working well and the flickering bulb caught snippets of Dean’s shock before he saw the intense fire in those sharp eyes. He wanted to pull away, to accuse Cas of lying or anything that would stop his reaction to the intensity. But somewhere, somewhere in those piercing eyes, he saw a sincerity that said that he was here just for Dean. Not because he wanted to tease him, not because he had to save a ‘weaker’ person and not because he was Balthazar’s friend. Cas was here because he wanted to be with Dean. Somehow, as he let himself get pulled closer to the lean muscular body now leaning against a wall, Dean knew that Cas was as attracted to him as he had felt himself. It didn’t make sense, but when Cas captured his lips for the second time that night, Dean felt the questions melt into the shadows around him.

If the first kiss had been a delicious feast of senses, this was the rich dessert of passion. It was slow on the lips but frantic with the tongue. There was ice on their hands but fire blazed behind every touch. Dean didn’t know that his wrists were erogenous zones till he felt Cas rub languid circles on them. Cas found that his knees buckled when Dean gripped his waist at that spot just above his jeans. There weren’t words in their moans or thoughts in their teasing caresses. It was like the first time you discovered that your hands would join perfectly between your fingers. Intoxicatingly wondrous.

“Cas..this.. _oh_..this isn’t normal.” Dean hated that he had a brain that didn’t agree with his heart or groin. He felt rather than heard Cas groan into his neck before the azure eyes met his own frenzied green ones.

“Dean, I have never driven a stranger’s Impala, singing a bloody Jackson song all the while wanting to kiss a pair of fucking tempting lips till I stop breathing. I haven’t ever wanted to just _kiss_ someone till you can feel my taste every time you lick your bloody lips. I have NEVER needed to see anybody’s eyes and just _look_ at them till I can see it behind closed eyelids. I know this isn’t normal. And I don’t fucking give a damn.” The whispered proclamation should have scared the logical mind of the professor but it only seemed to make him lean in for another of those breath taking, heart stopping kisses.

“Ok” he whispered back before giving one last peck and turning to go.

“You know where the station is, right?” Cas asked trying to hold on to his wrist, his eyes now gentle yet fiery.

Dean nodded, before smiling “And you know where the University is.”

“I also know where your hostel is.” Cas grinned while lightly bouncing on his heels.

“And I know Balthazar who knows where you live.” Dean quipped back, moving up the stairs with every answer.

“I’ll find out where your next rally will be.” Cas’ theatrical whispers were bearing a smile now and Dean couldn’t help but smile back.

“And I’ll find out a way to get into trouble for _someone_ to save me.” He shot back now reaching the top stair.

“I’ll be there.” Dean wanted to say something more to the last comment, but found that it wasn’t getting any better.

“I’ll be there” he voiced back before climbing up to his room.

He knew that this was madness and that he would probably get into a mess that would put Scarlett O’Hara to shame, but Dean also knew that he had finally found the perfect reason to continue with his rallies. He flipped out his calendar and marked out the closest free date he found.

Dean had a station to visit now. As frequently as possible.


	2. Chapter 2

 If his colleagues found it weird that a cop visited the University frequently, they didn’t let him know. They didn’t even find it weird that the cop would sometimes leave the men’s washroom with Dean’s scarf in hand. They also conveniently ignored the times when Dean asked for extra cups of coffee during Monday mornings, his eyes looking tired but happy.

In short, Dean Winchester was in a happy bubble.

Of course, like every bubble, his too had to burst one day. But he didn’t think of that often, partly because he wanted to defy the logic behind whatever he had and partly because of a certain persuasive blue-eyed charmer.

 “You’re thinking again.” The mumble from underneath the pillow stopped Dean’s fingers rubbing circles on a bare leg.

“Well, I _do_ have a brain that works” he teased back as he felt the body next to him shuffle.

“You also have other parts of you that work just fine. Really nice parts too.” Cas drawled as his fingers stroked the calves beside him, getting the gasp he wanted.

It was a Sunday and Dean was on leave making Cas take half a day off as well. Cas had taken him to watch the new play last night at the theatre and that had led to a long night of dinner, drinks followed by more pleasurable activities. They had crashed at Cas’ house and Dean knew that he would have to go on a treasure hunt of clothes to find his belongings from last night. It was a nice, homey place with a little backyard where Dean had insisted that they place a swing. Cas had tried to bargain a nice porch set of furniture but Dean had won the argument easily. With a little physical coaxing, of course.

As they lay on the mattress, Dean felt his heart stir along with his cock, as Cas worked his magic with his hands and lips. They had been ‘dating’ for 5 months now and yet, every day was a new experience. Sometimes Dean wondered if he was really living in an alternate universe and this was just his dreams fooling him. But then he would feel the familiar touch of warm chapped lips on his neck or intense blue eyes on his face. It was in those moments that he would realise that this was real. Probably the most real experience of his life and then he would feel his heart bursting with an unnamed emotion. Like it was now, when he saw Cas crawl his way up his body.

“You think too much.” Cas brushed a few strands of mussed hair from Dean’s face as he leaned down to kiss the thoughts away.

“I think that I think just fine.” Dean smiled making his lover snort before biting his earlobe.

“Well, _I_ think that you just can’t think straight.” Cas whispered against his ear sending him into peals of laughter. It was a stupid pun but Dean laughed at every joke Cas said. Sometimes Balthazar would roll his eyes and tell him that his sense of humour was going rusty. Maybe it was but Dean laughed anyway because Cas said those silly jokes for him. To make _him_ laugh, to make him forget any worry he had. And that was enough to tickle his funny bone.

“And would that be _your_ fault?” Dean whispered back, choking on a gasp as he felt Cas’ lips ghosting over his collar bone.

“You’re damn right it is.” Cas replied before getting down to prove just how much he was responsible for Dean’s not-so-straight thinking capacities.

A couple of hours later as the sun slowly climbed over head, Dean found himself wanting to cling to Cas.

“Do you really have to go? It’s only 12.” He hated whining but he really wanted to continue just lazing around with his hot boyfriend.

Cas put on his shoes before getting up to kiss a pouting Dean “Yes I do. If I remember correctly, _you’re_ the one who told me to apply for a half-day. I wanted the entire day off but you..”

“Yeah yeah yeah ok. No need to rub it in.” Dean grumbled as he pushed Cas to the door. He cursed his ‘responsible’ brain when he remembered that he had fiercely objected to Cas taking the entire day off to be with him. He could very well have taken the bloody axe and jumped on it.

Cas laughed as he got pushed out “Anyway, you’ll have Sam, Charlie and Kevin for company. Not to forget, Balthazar. I think you’ll be busy.” He found it amusing that their friends had invited themselves over for lunch but as long as Dean had company, he was fine.

Dean simply flipped him the finger, getting more laughs in reply, before Cas drove away in his car. The Impala was still parked in his hostel but Dean didn’t have plans to leave the house, so he didn’t complain much. Sighing to himself, he went inside to get ready for the lunch.

An afternoon with the guys and Charlie was always an entertaining affair. Balthazar was the most flamboyant among them, also being the only one who got away with flirting around Dean.

“So Dean-O” the tanned guy began, sliding up next to Dean on his chair’s armrest “Cassie seems to be extremely busy nowadays. Anything extra come up on the side? A little French dessert or some Swizz chocolate maybe?” There was no mistaking the exaggerated wiggle of eyebrows as Balthazar tried to rile up Dean, for the millionth time.

The green eyed professor mentally rolled his eyes at the insinuation but joined in on the act, blinking owlishly and cocked his head to the side “But Balthazar, I thought you were English, not French or Swizz. Why would you refer to yourself as either nationalities?”

Balthazar frowned for a minute, taking his time to grasp the meaning before he felt the heat crawl up his neck. “Me! Now now..C’mon Dean! He’s my brother! That’s..that’s incest!”

The chortling sounds from Charlie and Sam did nothing to lessen his embarrassment but Kevin caught the hint from Dean and put on his best sombre face.

“Honestly Balthazar, are you telling us you aren’t into it? Why, the whole University knows you’re into Castiel. And Gabriel. Sometimes, I get confused who you prefer more.” The thinking face sent the others into another round of laughter as Balthazar huffed and made a rude gesture before plopping down on the chair farthest from Dean.

“I’m gonna go to the loo and then grab a beer.” Charlie gasped, getting up and walking towards the house.

“Do it in that order!” Sam yelled at her back simply getting a finger in response. Dean shook his head at his brother’s childish thoughts before going over to grab some beers for them from the ice-box in the shade. He did enjoy these times with his brother and friends despite how much he cribbed over it. Cas always said that he did it to avoid looking like ‘the sappy old Papa bear’ he was.

As the evening came to a halt and the others hugged him good bye, thanking him for a lovely meal, Dean found himself alone. He simply loitered around the empty house for half an hour, righting the already perfect pictures and rearranging the arranged bed. He had work to do, almost a mountain-load of work to be honest, but he wasn’t in a mood anymore. Finally, about 45 minutes later, he decided to cut the self-misery short and get some work done.

Putting on some music, he sat back on his favourite old chair and took out the papers he had to evaluate. The first chords of music made his lips curve into a smile.

_Sometimes I feel so happy, sometimes I feel so sad._

_Sometimes I feel so happy, but mostly you just make me mad._

Dean found himself humming the tune unconsciously, his eyes still roaming over the papers and his pen still shooting remarks but his lips sounding out the words.

_Baby, you just make me mad_

_Linger on, your pale blue eyes…linger on, your pale blue eyes._

It wasn’t even a happy song, as Cas had pointed out every time he put on the album by The Velvet Underground. But Dean found himself loving the emotion attached to it, not to forget that it reminded him of certain blue eyes he loved to linger on.

He was almost lost in his work and the music, barely managing to hear it. The song was on loop and had begun playing for the second time when Dean heard the slight scraping sound behind him.

It was a light sound, one you would usually hear when brushing two metal scales together or sharpening a knife. The second thought sent a chill down his back but Dean squashed it down, turning his head to look behind. The second his head turned completely, the sound stopped and he could only hear the song playing.

_I’d put you in the mirror, I’d put in front of me._

_I’d put in front of me._

He brushed the thought aside and went back to evaluating the papers, keeping a slight alertness for another sound. Minutes passed along and Dean relaxed back into the monotone of writing remarks and reading answers. He didn’t bother to set the loop off on the sound system and the same song began again.

Maybe it was because this was closer or maybe it was because he had just crouched to put the papers down, but when Dean heard the same scraping sound again he knew that was real. Jumping up from the chair, he spread out his hands before him in a protective manner. Again, there was nobody and no sound anymore.  

Gripping a small metal ruler in his hand, Dean walked slowly towards the open kitchen before him. If there was somebody nearby, they should have hidden behind the kitchen counter. Cas always told him to think twice but act after the second confirming instinct. Thinking for too long would give the attacker the time to spring a surprise.

_Skip a life completely..stuff it in a cup_

_She said money is like us in time_

_It lies but can’t stand up_

One hand palming the wall for support and the other grabbing the ruler like a knife, Dean stalked closer towards the counter. There was a bead of sweat trickling down his neck onto his back and a fly hovering near his ear as he crept up to the edge of the counter. The moment he sprang to the other side, the fly rushed away from his ear and his eyes met nothing but the empty floor.

The adrenaline made his heart beat faster but Dean chuckled into the empty kitchen. The horror play from last night was finally getting to him. Wiping the sweat behind his neck, he set the ruler on the counter and went to take a shower.

When Cas came back, he rolled his eyes at the song he had heard about a million times and switched off the player.

“We can make _much_ better music together” he murmured against Dean’s eager lips before rushing them to the bedroom. The music they made was truly much better Dean realised as he heard Cas cry out his name and he replied back in kind. As they drifted to sleep in sweaty arms and soiled sheets, Dean forgot to tell Cas about the stupid scare he had got. It didn’t matter anymore as he felt the strong arms tighten around his chest and pull him closer. It didn’t matter, even as he felt that there was a faint sound of metal somewhere beyond their room. Dean slept through it all, content and cosy in his happy bubble.


	3. Chapter 3

The snow outside the window made Dean giggle like a school boy and Cas chuckled at the excitement of his boyfriend. It was their second Christmas together officially, because Dean did not count the one before that as official.

“You cannot count phone sex and a belated Christmas dinner as official Christmas Cas.” He lectured like the prim professor he was. Cas agreed with the phone sex part and insisted that they rectify that with the real thing. Doing the dishes for a week as punishment for mocking Dean was not really bothersome for the cries he wrenched out of his boyfriend that night.

“You can’t really taste the snow from inside professor.” Cas teased as Dean attempted to catch a snowflake from the window. Portland was always beautiful when it wore White Christmas proudly, the streets carpeted in white snow and houses looking like inverted ice cream cones. Dean loved December and would wake up every day, scrambling to the window to see if the snowing had begun. Cas had tried to keep up with the enthusiasm for the first few days but then settled for simply sipping his hot cocoa and watching his boyfriend try to make it snow with his supposed mind power.

“Then maybe we should be outside officer.” Dean shot back, pointedly looking at the boring puzzle Cas was busy solving. It was finally snowing and Dean wanted nothing more than to build snowmen and play snow fights. It was exhausting for someone like Cas who preferred Summer to the freezing Winter but he never truly complained. Sometimes Charlie and Kevin would join them and then Sam would drop in at night to join the feast.

“Fiiiiine” Cas whined as he dragged himself up and put on his coat. Dean yelped like a puppy and rushed to grab his own winter wear before dashing outside to start off the snowman.

They had been building a snow family for God knows how long when Dean heard it. A small cry, like a hurt child, came from the side of the house. He turned to look at Cas but saw that he was sculpting the legs of the Grandpa Snowman quietly. His eyes darted between the house and Cas for a minute before he got up to see for himself.

He had heard this cry a couple of times in the past month but never truly found the source behind it. He had even told Sam once during one of their lunches but Sam had found nothing as well.

“Must be a cat or something.” He had announced casually, making Dean agree momentarily.

As he crept up to the back of the house, eyes scanning around for a sign of anyone, Dean wondered if it truly was a cat. When he heard the cry again, he decided that it couldn’t be one. It was just too human to sound like a cat, the tone and tremor like a young boy in pain.

He re-doubled his efforts and walked faster, the cry getting louder with every step he took. He turned around in circles, trying to find the right direction. It was too vague, the sound feeling too general in direction. He ran up the remaining distance to the small garage and opened the door. His left hand felt up the wall beside him to find the light. The cry was perfectly clear now. Dean found the light and flicked it on but nothing happened. He tried it a couple of more times but no light came on.

“Hello? Are you ok?” he whispered into the darkness, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness. The cry was coming from his right now and Dean tried to shuffle his feet in that direction, his hands outstretched and grasping at thin air.

“Hello? Kid? Honey, where are you? Are you okay?” Dean tried again, crouching low to a height he imagined the kid would be. His feet hit a metal and he cursed out loud at the sudden shock. The cries stopped at his exclamations and Dean worried that he had scared the child.

“Honey, it’s ok. Everything is ok, you’re safe now. It’s fine..” he stopped short when he heard another sound coming from his left. This wasn’t the cry of a child. He tried to concentrate on it and found that he recognised it.

It was the sound of metal scraping.

The panic that settled onto him was blinding and Dean tried to backtrack his way. His left foot hit something and he slipped, falling backwards on the ground. He felt his knee scrape and his back sting from the impact but his ears didn’t let him worry about that for long. The sound of metal was coming closer now, the screech of one shiny surface scratching at another growing louder. Dean tried to get up and move but his hands weren’t pushing against the ground. His legs seemed glued to the floor and he sat in paralysed horror, hearing the metal inch closer to his ear.

“Dean? Dean!” the sound of his name from the door made the metal stop and Dean turned his head in the direction of his relief. A flashlight blinded his eyes, making him throw up his hands as a shield. As he adjusted to the sudden light, he saw Cas coming towards him with a flashlight in hand.

“Dean? Babe, is everything ok? What are you doing here? Dean? What..” Cas was cut off when Dean scrambled up and threw his arms around his neck. He could feel the shivers rolling off his boyfriend’s body and Cas instinctively tightened his hold on his waist.

“It was..a child..that knife..it’s here..” the broken phrases falling out of Dean’s mouth didn’t make any sense to Cas, who flashed the light around in the darkness and found nothing.

“Babe, there’s no one here. Who did you see?” Cas stroked Dean’s back comfortingly, still wondering what had scared him to this level.

“The kid! That child who was crying!” Dean’s insistent voice muffled against his shoulder made Cas frown. He looked once more before it struck him.

Dean was afraid of darkness.

He had mentioned it during the first months of dating. The lights had gone off in his hostel and he had made Cas come over and pick him up, when they realised that the power outage would extend for a couple of days.

“I’m sorry babe, I forgot to fix the light here. Here, come one, lets get you inside and get some clean clothes on.” Cas could feel Dean protest but calmly guided him back to the house. He was worried when Dean wouldn’t let go off him to shower and clean the wound on his knee. But he agreed to stay in the shower, letting Dean touch him when he felt an aftershock. It was scary and painful for Cas to see his bubbling and sarcastic boyfriend shrink in fear, but he convinced himself and Dean that it was alright now.

He called Sam to ask him to join them for dinner some other day. Looking at a now quiet Dean, he was sure that Sam would only worsen the situation. Sam was a loving brother but when it came to consoling Dean, he was as good as a prickly porcupine. Gathering two bowls of hot soup from the kitchen, he walked back to the living room where he had left Dean sitting on the couch. He saw that Dean hadn’t moved an inch and his eyes were still stuck to the picture of them during their first New Year celebrations. Cas gently placed the bowls down on the coffee table before them and put an arm around Dean’s shoulder.

“You okay Dean?” he asked gently, rubbing soothing circles into the back of his neck with one hand and running a hand over his arm with the other.

Dean simply closed his eyes and leaned into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, his eyes still closed.

Cas tilted his head back to catch a glimpse of Dean’s face. “For what?” he asked, genuinely surprised.

“For being scared. For scaring you. For ruining our snow time.” Dean’s voice was low and tired but Cas knew that he was feeling guilty over it all. Which was ridiculous and he intended to set things straight.

“Love, first of all, you should never be sorry for being scared. That’s just plain ridiculous to expect from anyone. When you’re scared, it’s because you don’t feel safe and that’s a feeling everybody gets at some points in life.” Cas made Dean push back and took his face in his hands, making him see what he was saying.

“Secondly, don’t ever feel sorry for scaring me. I’m going to be protective of you always. It doesn’t matter what you do, where you are or how safe you are. I will always worry about you. It’s my job and my duty. I love you and I’ll always want you to be safe, with me. Just like you do when I go out for some case of mine.” Dean smiled at that reminder. He could see the honestly in the unwavering eyes in front of him and felt the fear slipping out from his mind. Cas waited till Dean totally understood what he was saying and only continued when he got a small nod.

“And lastly, we can have countless snow times, sun times, rain times and every other god forsaken times you want whenever we want. We’ve got our entire lives ahead of us and I’m pretty sure Portland will have enough snow next Christmas to build your damned Snow Family. So don’t even think about ruining something that doesn’t matter.” Dean felt infinitely better when Cas reminded him of their entire lives ahead. It wasn’t a planned romantic statement but that made it all the more sweet. He nodded happily, leaning in for a kiss Cass didn’t seem to want to end.

Whisking him into his arms, Cas carried him to their bedroom like he weighed nothing. Usually Dean hated it when Cas showed his strength this way but today he was enjoying the care.

Placing him gently on the bed, Cas leaned back to take off his tee in one motion. Dean watched with rapt attention as the muscles in his abs tightened and rippled during the action. Throwing the cloth away behind him, Cas leaned forward slowly, making Dean suck up a breath in anticipation. He let out a groan of irritation when Cas escaped his face and leaned low to grab his tee shirt. With his teeth. Dragging it slowly, oh so slowly, over the body below him, Cas took his own time in scratching the smooth torso with his slight stubble. When he reached Dean’s face, he bent down and kissed the gasping lips over the tee shirt. Dean moaned at the feel of Cas’ mouth beyond the cloth covering his face now. Cas gripped his hips tight and lifted him off the bed, one hand pulling the tee over the head fluidly. Dean arched into the pillow at the pressure on his hip.

His hands flung out blindly, hoping to grab on to a part of the lithe body above him, but Cas caught his wrists in one hand and stretched them above his head. Icy irises locked on to flaming chartreuse eyes as a wet tongue snaked out to lick a path of scorching heat down Dean’s torso. He writhed, he keened, pleaded and screamed – Dean was just short of tears by the time Cas had marked him all over with tongue, lips and fingers.

Then finally, like the sweet flow of chocolate from a hot lava cake, Dean felt his insecurity flow out in gushes and streams. His cries were silent in exaltation and loud in gratitude to anyone who had made this wonder of a man come into his life. And when he came again, this time into the very man he loved, he thanked the fear that had made him rediscover his passionate and protective lover.

Out in the garage, there was a cry, answering the one coming from within. Silent yet echoing into the darkness where nobody dared to see.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this honestly turned out to be extremely long. I should probably have split it into two chapters, but whatever. Sorry!

The soot black phone felt heavier in his hands than the umpteen times he had held it before. Dean barely restrained his fingers from twisting the cord attaching the device to its machine, because he really did hate it when there were knots in the spiral wire. He waited through the first couple of rings as patiently as he could, his brains going over the couple of sentences he had rehearsed well in advance.

_Hi babe, sorry I’m in a hurry. I just got a call from Adam about a conference in Moscow. Apparently its some pretty big hoikus poikus for History professors. Sounds like a group of stiff old hags but it could be important for me. Luckily, Adam got me a ticket for today, which is really amazing because the conference is this week. Imagine that! I’ll call, e-mail and contact you when I get there. It’s for 4 days and I’ll be back before you can say Idaho. Ok, don’t try that. I love you. Bye!_

It was a pathetic attempt really, trying to avoid a confrontation by dropping the bomb at the last moment. There _was_ a conference in Moscow this week and Adam _had_ called him but that was 3 weeks ago. As the phone went into recording, just as he had hoped for, Dean quickly rambled off the message and dashed the phone into its carrier.

The truth was that Dean wanted to go to Moscow for reasons that weren’t strictly related to the conference. During his last meeting with the LGBT rights group, he had learnt that some of their foreign friends were working towards a big protest in the snow laden Moscow against the Anti-Gay laws. Of course, it shouldn’t have surprised anyone when Dean wanted to go and see it for himself. It was history in the making and he was a History professor for nothing if not his curiosity. But he knew, even before he bought the ticket, that Cas wouldn’t be for this.

As he dashed around the house to check his packing and grab the keys, Dean felt a stone of guilt weigh him down but marched on, knowing that he would explain the significance of this event to Cas when he came back. His boyfriend loved him to bits but he would be lying if he didn’t find the protectiveness overbearing at times.

Driving through the roads to the airport in his panther dark Impala, Dean remembered every time Cas fought him on attending a protest, convention or rally that he thought too dangerous. He could literally hear the growling and the grumbling from their last fight, only about a month ago. Sighing aloud in the car, Dean felt out the stereo and turned on some music to calm his nerves.

_They say you’ve found somebody new, but that won’t stop my loving you…_

He huffed out a harsh laugh at the song playing from the old cassette. Of course Jim Reeves would make him feel worse now when he needed something to cheer up about. The car was echoing with the chords of the classic hit as Dean turned into the airport, finding the perfect spot to park right away. He didn’t worry about the car – he knew that Cas would have it towed back home when he found it. It was really cruel to do this, but Dean knew that he didn’t stand a chance convincing Cas to let him go otherwise. Flipping the watch on his wrist upwards, he saw that he had reached early. Taking a deep breath, he leaned back into the seat and let the song wash over him for a few more minutes.

_Guess I could find somebody new, but I don’t want no one but you…_

_How can you leave without regret?_

_Am I that easy to forget?_

“No you’re not” Dean mumbled into the empty car, feeling the ticket between his fingers thoughtfully. He could imagine Cas’ anger when he understood that Dean had basically tricked him for 3 weeks. He could see behind his eyes, the disbelief and hurt that would make his boyfriend fume at him when he came back. It almost made him reverse the car and drive back home.

Getting out of the Impala, Dean chugged the backpack onto his shoulder and picked up his small suitcase before walking into the airport. He didn’t know how he would explain things when he came back the next week but knew that Cas would forgive him. Wouldn’t he?

Cas was rushing out the door even before the message died out on the machine. _Stupid stupid stupid!_ Yanking the door open to his car, he slammed the accelerator and sped towards the airport.

“I swear to God Dean, if you’ve left I’m never gonna forgive you!” he growled into the empty car as he chased an invisible target that led to the airport. He had noticed Dean acting weird for the past couple of weeks. It was clear in the way he chewed his vegetables faster when Cas smiled at him. It was there in the faint but visible tremor of his right hand when Cas touched his arm to ask if he was okay. He had seen it but never in a million years had he expected this.

_Russia?! For a bloody Anti Gay law protest?!_

There was no way in Hell or Heaven that Cas believed Dean was going just for the conference. If that was the case, he would never have hid it from Cas. No, this was about the protest he had heard from a meeting those weeks ago. Cas sped up in anger as he remembered Dean raving about the courage and dedication involved in it. He also remembered the gruesome ‘executions’ they had read about a couple of days earlier.

“C’mon c’mon c’mon!” Cas slammed his hand on the steering wheel in frustration as he neared the airport. He had not heard the message on his office phone earlier due to a case they were working on. He had come back late and switched on the messages after about an hour or so. When he heard Dean’s voice coming through the speaker, he had frozen. It took him just about a few seconds to make the mad dash to try and stop his moronic boyfriend.

Swerving into the parking lot, Cas jumped out and ran into the airport, not bothering about his car or the looks he was getting. He ran all through the way to the terminal, stumbling over scattered luggage and dodging straying children. He didn’t care that his eyes were bloodshot by now and his hair was sticking out all over the place. He was just looking for the familiar mop of brown hair and a dirty leather jacket, which was what Dean always wore when he was nervous. Cas knew that he would be wearing it now.

Cas wanted to scream his guts out but settled for normal yelling. He wanted to shake the airport officials for letting Dean pass through, but stuck to frantic questioning. He could see the pity in the eyes of the lady who informed him that the flight had left. He could see it in the way her nose twitched and her forehead furrowed, screaming in signs that he was a fool. And maybe he was, because when he came out into the parking lot and saw the dark Impala, he felt a crazy hope that Dean hadn’t left.

Rushing to the car and opening it with his spare key, Cas felt the lush scent of newly mown grass hit him mixed with the stale fragrance of the apple car fragrance Dean loved. He climbed into the warmth of the worn out driver’s seat, seeking out any trace of Dean’s body heat in the curves of the leather. Cas closed his eyes and rested his head on the steering wheel, letting the fast fading aroma of a summer’s garden fill his senses. Dean always frowned when he described his scent as that.

“What, I smell like fruits and flowers? That’s not a compliment.” He would beg him to say something ‘manly’ and ‘tough’ but Cas would simply wrap his arms around the pouting man and bury his nose into the nape of the pale neck.

“You smell like home.” He would whisper making Dean’s lips curve upwards and turn to kiss him for the right answer.

Cas could feel tears of frustration prick behind his closed eyes and swiped at them furiously. He knew in his heart that Dean had done this because _he_ hadn’t inspired confidence enough for Dean to tell him the truth. He really appreciated his boyfriend’s passion for equality and human rights but sometimes, sometimes it made his toes curl to think of anything bad happening to Dean. He was a cop; he had seen things happen that would keep him awake long after Dean had drifted into slumber in his arms. If he had the stubborn professor by his side, he could protect him; Cas was sure about that. But what would he do when Dean didn’t want him to protect?

Sensing the frustration build higher in his veins, Cas decided to let things be and leaned forward to switch on some music to calm himself. When he heard the first riff of the song that had obviously been playing before, he felt his control break.

_Cause I’ll just say we’ve never met…_

_If I’m that easy to forget…_

Cutting the music off, he put the car into gear and sped back home. He could have his own car towed back later. For now, he just wanted to stay in the left-over warmth in the Impala, where Dean had been before he decided to go away from Cas.

Dean could feel the hair on his arms rise in anxiety as he pushed his trolley through the corridor. It had been exactly 10 days since he had seen Cas. Or even talked to him, because apparently Cas thought the ‘end’ button was the ‘answer’ button every time he called. Dean looked out to the crowd of people who had come to receive their loved ones. His weary eyes searched for that familiar blue uniform or a pale old shirt with grease stains. He scanned throughout the throngs of grinning faces and crying eyes to find the one he yearned to see the most. It wasn’t there.

He felt the first traces of fear crawl up his arms at that. Was Cas really so upset that he wouldn’t come to take him home? Dean knew that it was a stupid question even as it popped into his head but he still felt that Cas could have come.

“Is he here?” Dean turned towards the voice from his right side and shook his head. The grey streaked hair fell on the taller man’s face and he brushed it off with a long finger.

“You think he’ll be okay?” The faded denim eyes gestured to Dean which made the shorter guy narrow his eyes in thought.

“Cas will be fine Cain” he said in a voice he hoped was confident “It isn’t like he’s gonna freak out over ten days.”

The lawyer and activist simply stared at Dean before following him out of the airport to the cab stand.

“I don’t know about that.” The whispered reply went unnoticed by Dean as he hailed a taxi to take them home.

When the car pulled into the driveway of the house, Dean felt that it was unnaturally quiet. His eyes noticed that the Impala was visible in the open garage.

“So he did bring baby back home” Dean muttered to himself with a soft smile, climbing out of the car and stretching. The older man got out behind him and took in the sweet little home that Dean hadn’t stopped missing all through the time they had spent in Russia.

“Dean? DEANO!” the yell from the garage made both the men turn to see a mass of white tee shirt and ripped jeans rushing towards them.

Dean didn’t get a chance to prepare before Balthazar flung himself into his arms and crushed any air out of him.

“Bal..Ooof..Balthazar? What are you doing here?!” Dean tried to push the taller guy away to breathe a little but simply got a chuckle in return.

“I’m building my fotris..” Dean raised an eyebrow at the answer and turned to see Cain look stunned.

“Fortis? What are you..do you mean a fortress? Balth, are you drunk?” The taller tanned man dissolved in chuckles and leaned against Dean heavily in response.

“Nooooooo…I’m up above the world so..highhhhh” the wheezing laughter made Dean cringe and roll his eyes. Trust Cas’ brother to get high as a kite and crash at their home. Speaking of Cas..

“Balth, where’s Cas? I didn’t see him at the airport.” Dean tried to make his friend stand n two feet but found that he was slipping when both feet touched the ground. He gestured Cain to help but simply got a stare in return.

“Cassie’s gone to town! She’s rockin the wooorld!” Balthazar swung a hand above him, narrowly missing Dean’s head. Dean sighed and shifted the dead weight to one arm before digging up his phone.

“Hey Charlie? Yeah yeah I’m back..yeah, no I know..I know I know I’m sorry..sure sure…listen listen, just..Char, I’m home and Balth is here” Dean cut to the chase trying to stop his friend’s furious rant “Yeah he is and he’s high.”

There was a pause where Dean slapped a sneaky hand away from his chest “No no I’m fine. It just looks like he tried to build something in the garage and I think he trashed it. Yeah, I know. Yeah I’m not feeding him anything. No, I just need you to make sure that he’s home safe. I’m sending him to the apartment in a cab. Can you get him to his room and keep an eye out?” Dean stopped the returning cab and signalled for a moment.

“Uh uh, okay. Yeah I owe you big Char. Thanks.” Flipping the phone shut he turned to Cain who was now looking constipated at the drooling mess on Dean’s shoulder.

“Hey man, can you just drop this guy off at Moor’s street, 4th building to the right? My friend will be there to pick him up there.” Dean thanked the cab driver and dumped Balthazar in the back seat.

“Do you think he’ll be safe alone?” Cain asked doubtfully, watching the giggling man fawn over the seat.

“You got a better idea?” Dean countered, knowing that he needed to meet Cas before anything else.

“Maybe..maybe I should go with him? Just to make sure he reaches this apartment safe?” Cain suggested dubiously, making Dean grin.

“Now Cain, don’t get into his trouble so soon” he chided but the older man was already getting into the cab.

“It’s the lesser of troubles actually. I think you’ll face a bigger one with someone else.” Cain gestured to the house from the window before waving shortly.

As Dean watched the cab drive away, he took a deep breath. Maybe it was for the best that he met Cas alone, without Professor Cain witnessing any domestic drama.

Picking up his luggage, he walked towards the home he had rushed out of 10 days ago.

Dean opened the door with his key when there was no answer to the doorbell. He knew that Cas wouldn’t be in the station because he had verified there that he was on a day off today. As he moved into the living room, he wondered why Cas hadn’t come to pick him up then.

When his foot struck a stray bottle, Dean stopped and looked around to see a sight the house had never been in. Green beer bottles were scattered on the floor, carelessly rolling around like they belonged there. There were torn magazines on the coffee table and crumpled paper hanging from every horizontal surface. The pictures on the mantle were either face down or thrown near the floor of the walls. If a hurricane had visited the home, it would probably have looked neater than this.

“Cas? Castiel? Babe, where are you? I’m home!” Dean called out cautiously, walking towards the bedroom through the mess.

“Cas? Babe? Are you there? Can you hear me?” he tried the bathroom and the kitchen, finding no one anywhere. As he turned towards the front door once more, he heard a noise in the attic. Picking up a flashlight from a drawer Dean climbed up to the attic, his nose cringing at the horrible stench coming from it. The beam of light from his flashlight showed a similar condition to the living room. Except for one additional lump of mass sprawled in the centre of the bottles.

“Cas!” Dean rushed to the seemingly unconscious man slumped on the ground. As he tried to pull him off the ground, he realized that half of the stench was coming from Cas. Pushing back on his haunches, Dean brought both of them upright as the bottles stumbled around his feet. One arm tucked under Cas’ arm and the other hand shining the flashlight, Dean carefully carried his boyfriend back down.

The light was too bright. Shutting his eyes before another ray got in, Cas groaned through tight lips. He heard a movement to his left and tried to remember where he was. The surface under him was soft – a mattress. Spreading a hand over it, he found that it was _his_ mattress. So, bedroom. Taking a deep breath he found a familiar scent of freshly mown grass tease his nostrils.

“Dean!” he whispered out loud, tasting the name on his tongue for the millionth time. This time he struggled against the blinding light and killing head ache to open his eyes. He couldn’t manage it completely but opened it enough to see through slits.

The sight of Dean sitting beside him, one hand rubbing circles on his palm and the other warm across his chest made Cas want to cry.

“You’re here.” He whispered because talking could break this moment. This was a bubble, his happy bubble. He couldn’t let it break.

“I’m here.” Dean whispered back leaning closer to place a soft kiss to his forehead. The feathery touch of those lips broke some sort of dam within Cas and he was frantically clutching at every and any part of Dean. This dream Dean who had finally heard his prayers.

“I knew it. I knew you’ll be here..God Dean! You promised you’ll be there and you’re here..you’re here..I can see you.” Cas didn’t care that his eyes were overflowing with tears or his fingers were clutching to the lapels of Dean too tight. He could feel his breaths come out in bursts and gasps and choked on every sob.

Dean let him take every ounce of warmth he needed. He didn’t move away when Cas’ tears ran down his neck. He didn’t budge when rough hands clutched his face and kissed every part of skin. He didn’t wince when a sharp nail scratched his jaw in desperate attempts to pull him closer. He couldn’t deny Cas anything. He simply held on and let his own eyes cry. There were promises and whispers of love falling from every breath his lips took but Cas understood touch better. So he let his arms warm the man he loved.

“I’m here. I’m here Cas. I’ll always be here. I promise. I’m so sorry..So sorry..” Dean’s broken whispers seemed to spurn Cas to hold him tighter and sob harder. They lay in a tangled mess on the bed, two broken souls healing each other with tears and smiles and kisses and touch.

An hour or so later, Dean finally managed to get Cas to drink some juice and take a shower. Granted, he had to join him in the shower but it only made him feel better and Dean took the chance without hesitation. When finally he had Cas clean and fresh, with food in the belly and no more tears in his eyes, Dean kissed his hair and leaned into him on the couch.

“I didn’t go to the station for the last 3 days” Cas began, knowing that he would have scared Dean with his condition “I tried to, but I couldn’t do it. Every time I got up and looked to my side, I felt like I was going to live alone forever. When I tried to eat, I would think about how your plate wasn’t there next to mine. I couldn’t take a shower because I thought you would come back and I would miss your doorbell. I couldn’t look at the phone because I thought you would call to say that you weren’t coming back.”

Dean tried to stop him from continuing when he saw how much it hurt to speak those words aloud. It wasn’t his fault, it was Dean’s fault. But Cas shook his head and continued.

“I hated you for what you did.”

If there was anything that could break Dean, it was this sentence. He tried to hide his hurt from Cas but he couldn’t break the intense gaze of those blue eyes he loved.

“But then, after about four days of trashing the place and cutting your calls, I realized something.” Cas paused and looked down at their entwined hands “I realized that I had scared you.”

“I scared you when I tried to pull you away from your missions. I scared you Dean, because I was too afraid to face the truth. I couldn’t get over the fact that you would be safe, strong and thriving without me. I know it sounds stupid but..”

Dean cut off the rest with a simple kiss. He could feel Cas struggle to stay quiet under him but finally relenting to the insistent touch. When he was absolutely sure that he had Cas’ attention Dean pulled back.

“I won’t apologize for what I did Cas. And I don’t think you should too.” He pushed back a dark lock of hair from the soft blue eyes before smiling “We made mistakes. Like everybody does at some point of life, we made mistakes. I should have faced you before leaving to Moscow and you should have trusted me enough to make my choices. But we didn’t do it. It’s something to learn from, because we know. We know what happened and why it happened. And now it won’t happen again. So no apologies.”

Cas stared into the serious face for a moment “But what if we make mistakes again? What if we do things that hurt us more than this time? What if we get lost in our stupid mistakes?”

“Then we come back to each other.” Dean replied in a tone that said that it was the only solution they needed.

Cas leaned closer to the man who had found him again. “And where will we meet?”

“Where we won’t need words to say what we need.” Dean smiled as he nudged Cas’ nose.

“Home?” Cas placed his hand over Dean’s heart and leaned up for a kiss.

“Home.” Dean whispered against his lips, content in simply touching them.

That night when Dean relearned the body of his reclaimed love, he made sure that he brought them to that place with every touch. When Cas gasped his name over and over, like the chant of a blessed man, he discovered that he had truly come back home.

They spent the next weeks in calm and breezy breakfasts, heart filled texts and long nights of renewing their passion. During the fourth week, Dean found that Cas wasn’t going to work for the weekend.

“So what are you going to do?” he asked curiously, watching Cas fumble around in the kitchen.

“We. What are _we_ going to do.” Cas corrected smartly before throwing an apple at Dean.

The lazing professor caught it effortlessly getting a mock applause in response. “All right, what are we going to do?” he teased, biting into the apple.

“We..are going on a holiday.” Cas walked to the couch, leaning down for a quick kiss, before grabbing the books placed on the coffee table before them.

Dean was notorious for his endless curiosity and inability to take suspense. He loved surprises, that was a fact. But he loved them when he knew how they were going to end. Happy? Boring? Awkward? He had to know.

“Caaas. Telll meee.” Dean whined with puppy eyes, hoping that his annoying boyfriend would let up.

Cas threw a box of something that looked like cat food at Dean. “Nope. Now get off your glorious ass and get moving. We leave in 20.”

The drive to God-knows-where was truly frustrating. First Cas didn’t tell him where they were going. Then he insisted on packing for both of them, which meant Dean couldn’t get any clues. Finally, he made Dean drive and chose to be the shotgun navigator.

“This really would be easy if you just _told_ me where I’m supposed to go.” Dean huffed as he took another right. The entire drive was just a maze of lefts-rights-long roads and U turns.

“It would” Cas agreed solemnly before giving another direction.

When they finally reached the spot, Dean took a couple of minutes check if his eyesight had failed.

“Ponds? You want us to holiday beside a pond?” he asked incredulously but getting out of the car nevertheless.

“Yep. Fishing ponds.” Cas replied before taking out fishing gear from the trunk of the Impala.

“We’re going fishing?” Dean asked in an awed voice. He had always wanted to go fishing! He didn’t know how to fish but it sounded awesome!

“Why did you think I put fishing gear in the trunk before we left?” Cas was amused as he unloaded their bags to the ground.

“I don’t know. I thought we were going to an aquarium.” Dean followed Cas like a puppy, carrying the small picnic basket.

Cas stopped in his tracks before slowly turning to face Dean.

“An aquarium.” He repeated slowly.

“Yep” Dean nodded his head vehemently.

“Dean, you saw me pack fishing rods and worm baits. And that made you think we were going to an aquarium?” he asked in the same slow voice.

“Yep” Dean shrugged before placing the basket near their bags.

“Why would we need fishing rods in an aquarium?” Cas enquired carefully, looking at Dean like he was an alien.

Dean rolled his eyes in response before huffing “I thought it was some sort of a hint that we were going to an aquatic area. And an aquarium has fish.”

There was absolute silence for a couple of minutes where Dean explored the pond and stretched his back. Finally he heard an explosion of guffaws from behind and saw Cas clutching his sides.

“You..you’re..Oh God!” Cas had tears running down his face and stitches in his sides from laughing hard but Dean merely shrugged with a small smile.

An hour later, Dean simply wanted to throw the bloody rod into the pond. Hook, line and sink!

“You’re trying too hard. Be patient.” Cas mumbled from his side, calmly holding his rod in one hand and stroking Dean’s back with the other.

“If I had to be patient, I would rather be in a hospital!” Dean grumbled making Cas chuckle.

“You can’t catch anything by being frisky.” Cas reminded him, lightly nipping at his neck in reprimand.

“Well, I don’t know about that” Dean teased back while returning the gesture “I _did_ catch you.”

Cas chuckled at that, rewarding the cheeky comment with a slow burning kiss. Dean wanted to forget the fishing and deepen the kiss into something more but Cas pulled back with a wink.

“Now you’re just fishing for compliments.” He mocked with a grin making Dean pout a little before blowing a raspberry.

They stayed in the same spot for some more time before Dean began getting restless again. Cas suggested that he got get them some beers from the ice box near the car.

“Aren’t _you_ in the mood to drink like a fish!” Dean winked exaggeratedly at his own smart comment before trudging back to get them the beers. He could hear Cas chuckling as he walked towards the spot where the Impala was parked.

It took him some time to get to the car and grab some bottles. Then he realized that he had to answer Nature’s call and went in search of an appropriate place. When he came back to the car to get the bottles, it was well past 15 minutes since he had left Cas at their fishing spot. Dean hummed under his breath as he carried the crate to the spot when he had an idea of catching Cas off guard. The good old sneak up.

From a distance he caught sight of the dark head still sitting on the bank with his rod. Dean smiled to himself for a moment, taking in the peace and quiet around him. It was like a cool breeze on a Summer’s day – soothing and sweet. Treading softly, he inched closer to the unsuspecting Cas. When he was just about a foot away, he heard soft mutters from the man before him. It sounded like he was talking to himself and Dean grinned.

“The first sign of crazy huh?” he mentioned loudly, making Cas jump, lose control of his rod and throw it into the pond. Dean burst out laughing at the shocked expression on Cas’ reddening face.

“Oh that was priceless!” he wheezed out in between gasps “Now we need to fish for the fishing rod!”

Cas looked stunned for some time before narrowing his eyes at Dean.

“That was bait for..war!” he declared before chasing Dean up the ramp towards the car. Dean ran for his life, his laughter not stopping at all.

Cas finally caught up to Dean and pushed him to the ground in a heap. He didn’t expect Dean to catch on to his wrist and was dragged down on top of the still giggling guy.

“What’s so funny?” Cas asked in a mock stern voice, his hands holding Dean tight by the hips.

“You are!” Dean choked out amidst hiccups and giggles.

Cas smirked at that before leaning down to lick the expanse of throat presented to him. He started off at the hollow and dragged up to the base of his ear, noting that the giggles had finally stopped.

“So you think I’m funny” Cas murmured near Dean’s ear, making the poor guy shiver at the husky tone but nod.

Snaking his hands up the hips and splaying them over the pale chest below the red shirt, Cas smiled at the gasp and fluttered shut eyes below him.

“Is this funny?” Cas asked as his teeth dragged over Dean’s earlobe, wrenching a moan from the open lips under him.

“Or maybe this?” now it was a warm hand dragging his hips closer, making Dean arch his back at the contact of firm hip bones.

“Maybe this is funny..”the warm mouth that was ghosting over the collar bone trailed down and clasped at a hard pec through the shirt, stealing a needy groan from the wanton lips of a now sweating Dean.

“Do you think that I’m funny Dean?” Cas persisted, one hand teasing the end of the shirt, hot sapphire eyes promising rewards for the correct answer.

So Dean gave him the answer promptly.

“Yes.”

As they lay on the hard ground, over their now torn shirts and a sticky mess on certain parts of their bodies, Dean felt the warm glow of happiness settle over him.

“Cas?” he asked, toying with the ring finger of his partner.

“Hmm?”

“Why’d you choose me?”

Cas opened his eyes at that, looking at Dean quizzically.

“You could have gone for any guy that night. You didn’t have to save me or be with me. Why’d you do it? Choose me?”

Cas seemed to think for a moment, letting his fingers wrap around Dean’s as perfectly as they always did.

“Because you’re the only fish in my seas” he replied in the end, kissing the head on his chest gently.

Dean smiled into the skin by his cheek and decided that he was right after all. Fishing was the best holiday plan ever.


	5. Chapter 5

The cool November air kissed his face as Dean tipped his head back to return the favour. The gentle swinging made his hair wave like the leaves of a maple tree did to greet a breeze. Hugging the pinstriped throw pillow to his chest, he pushed the swing up a little harder, smiling as the breeze blew faster. Three more days, he mused, picking at a stray thread from the pillow. Three more days to know if he could be with Cas.

He remembered the disappointment three years ago, when his dreams had been shattered just within his grasp. All those petitions, all those debates – down the drain. He had felt a pang of jealousy and anger every time Charlie, Sam or Kevin tried to convince him that things would be all right. They didn’t know, couldn’t know, how it felt to lose that one chance to make your happy bubble a reality. But Cas knew.

He had taken all of Dean’s frustrations and given back strong, warm love. He hadn’t stopped him when Dean left for GLAD meetings at night. He didn’t complain when Dean turned his anger onto him, hurting and picking on him to relieve the sense of helplessness. Cas didn’t shy away from casual hugs and gentle kisses, during Sunday barbeques, mid-week home parties or just when they were alone. Cas didn’t give up and didn’t let Dean give up on his hope too.

The sudden ring from his phone broke Dean from his musings. Checking the caller id he smiled.

“What can I do for you officer?” he asked cheerfully, knowing that Cas would be smiling on the other end.

“Well professor, you _do_ me so much..I mean so much for me already” he heard the cheeky reply and grinned “but I just wanted to remind you to be ready for a certain bet.”

“Ah that” Dean replied in a mock prim voice “why officer, I do remember. You don’t make deals with the Devil every day, you know.”

The chuckle from the line made Dean grin wider “True true” he heard “but I must say that the deal should be extremely tempting. Especially for an Angel as yourself.”

Dean rolled his eyes at that.

“Next we’ll be role playing Angels and Demons” he laughed “What’s up Cas?”

“You’ve got three days to propose. Just wanted to check if you’re ready.”

Maine was expecting a verdict on the same-sex marriage vote this week. Dean didn’t want to get his hopes up after the disappointment of 2009. Cas on the other hand, was confident that it would go through this time. To lighten Dean up, he had suggested a bet.

“If the vote goes through, you’ll propose. In front of all our friends. If it doesn’t go through, I’ll propose, in front of the entire station.”

Dean had frowned at that logic “Cas, if the vote doesn’t go through, there won’t be any use of proposing. We wouldn’t be able to get married.”

Cas had simply shrugged “We don’t need a paper to tell us what we are.”

Dean smiled as he remembered the strange but sweet truth of that statement.

“I’ll be there.” He whispered into the phone, the smile evident in the words.

“I’ll be there” Cas replied making Dean’s smile widen, if that was even possible.

It turned out that the stars were in their favour after all. The morning of November 29, 2012, brought an unimaginable joy to the world of Dean and Cas. Dean rushed through the corridors of the University when he heard the news. He called their closest friends who were as giddy as he. He was finally going to propose to the only man he loved in his soul and wanted to live with.

Cas said yes.

Charlie and Sam had taken the entire planning under their wings. It was a terror to behold, two obsessive fan girls making lists, cancelling ideas and bursting into emotional tears whenever they saw Dean or Cas’ engagement rings.

“Okay okay, first things first” Charlie poised her fingers over her laptop as she turned to Sam “the venue. I was thinking somewhere modern but trendy. Hancho’s? They have space for guests and a good dance floor.”

Sam scoffed at that “Please, Hancho’s has a tres goth vibe to it. Wedding with Vampires? I don’t think so.” He typed away on his own laptop making Charlie huff.

“Fine! How about an open space? Somewhere with a nice lake view, by the shores?” She knew how much Cas loved water.

“Sure, and when we die of frostbite the ‘till death do us part’ phrase will serve right. It’s a December wedding Charlie, we’ll be freezing before any vows are taken.” Sam rolled his eyes at the obvious lack of foresight.

Dean shook his head as he watched his best friend and brother bicker over the perfect place. They had ruled out the church and town hall even before the beginning. Cas didn’t want a scene on the day he finally got to call Dean his legal partner for life. So they had begun looking for other alternatives.

“Argh!” Charlie shrieked almost throwing the laptop at the Sasquatch before her “you’re rejecting every possible place we have! For the love of Spock, what exactly do you want?!”

“I don’t know! But I _do_ know what I don’t want” Sam glared back at his friend “You know that this isn’t a usual wedding Charlie. It can’t be traditional or stereotypical. We need something personal. Something that both those saps would relate to.”

Dean raised an eyebrow at that but had a brainwave.

“Guys!” he caught the attention of his ‘wedding planners’ “I think we have the perfect place with us already!”

When he saw two confused faces, he simply smirked and pointed to something outside.

On December 29, 2012, Dean put on his wedding clothes placed neatly in his wardrobe. Looking in the mirror, he laughed at the familiarity of it.

A plaid shirt with a dark leather jacket and faded jeans, ripped in on the right knee. _Perfect_ he smiled at his reflection.

“You know, if I had known that I was coming to a crazy ass wedding, I would have stuck to my Yoda tee and neon pants.” Charlie complained from the chair behind him, picking at her empire waist green dress. It wasn’t a gown thankfully, but it still was a dress when compared to what Dean was wearing.

“We’re just recreating the past.” The groom sniffed in mock annoyance before winking at his snarky best friend and maid of honour.

“Well, we better get this Back to the Past show on the road then.” Charlie announced, getting up onto her feet and dragging Dean out the door.

“This is really ridiculous. Just so you know.” Sam stage whispered to the man standing beside him in a dark blue shirt and trousers.

“What exactly did you expect? Flowers, gowns and cake?” Cas whispered back with a smirk that said that he knew Sam expected it.

“No, but seriously Cas? This has got to be the craziest thing you’ve ever done. And that’s saying something.” Sam remarked, gesturing towards the ‘venue’ in front of them.

Cas simply winked at his best man and turned around when he heard the sound of laughter and chatter come down the house.

When he saw Charlie come out the door first, holding a bouquet of pencils, he gave her a wide smile and a wink. He knew that she was trying hard to not laugh and appreciated her borderline normal walk down the drive way to stand across him.

He turned back in time to see the man he had been waiting to see since last night. Coming down the front stairs in the same clothes as that fateful day years ago, was the man Cas was going to share his name with. His heart was already given and today he was ready to give something more. A promise.

Dean held the dark haired man’s intense gaze as he tried hard not to flounce or skip down the small stretch between them. Cas had even gone to the extent of growing the exact same stubble he had from years ago.

There was no music or bands. No flowers or feast. As Dean reached his boyfriend, his lover, his fiancé and his soulmate, he realized that this was the best idea he had ever had.

“We ready to rock and roll?” they heard Cain ask from beside them and Cas nodded with a small smile.

“After you.” He gestured with a hand towards the Impala. Dean winked at him before going shotgun. Cas climbed into the driver’s seat and heard Cain, Charlie and Sam climb into the back seat.

“Friends, family and goofballs” Cain began with a smirk at the eye roll from Dean “We are gathered here today, in this extremely spacious vintage car for the union of two men who deserve each other in every aspect. We bear with the suffocation, cold and nauseating flatulence from the best man..”

“Hey!”

“..to join in matrimony Dean John Winchester and Castiel Emmanuel Novak.” Cain paused looking at the couple in front of him smiling and holding hands.

“As requested quite kindly by the grooms, I shall not waste any time in elaborating the power of love or the strength of trust. God knows, they do not need to be told with all the experience they have of both. And wasting time with so much wasted already seems like a crime. So let’s cut to the chase. Do we have the rings?” he turned slightly to Sam who nodded and passed the plain blue band to Cas. Charlie passed the white one to Dean.

There were no vows or words needed as the couple slipped the rings onto each other’s fingers. Dean’s ring reminding him of Cas’ loving eyes and Cas’ ring reminding him of Dean’s pure soul. If there were tears in their eyes, they couldn’t care, for all those years of love had finally come to this moment. Cas linked their married hands together and the blue against white looked as perfect as they felt.

“And now, you may kiss your husband.” Cain smiled as he said the words and saw his friends smile into each other’s lips. He was really glad that he had taken Cas’ suggestion and become an ordained minister. They had considered asking Balthazar to do it but the eccentric man was busy doing his second PhD in London.

“Finally!” Charlie gushed before leaning front to give the newly wed a quick hug. Sam followed with a hug to Dean and a pat on Cas’ back.

“And now we roll.” Cas announced as the group drove away to the nearest pub, Micheal Jackson crooning from the stereo.

Cas dragged his drunk husband up the front stairs to the door, trying not to fall himself. Celebrating the wedding with a drinking game had been fun. But a drinking game that involved taking a shot every time somebody swore or cursed? Funny, but not so coherent after some time.

“Eveeeery niiight in my dreams I see you, I feeeeeel you..C’mon Cas, sing some Celine..” Dean was giggling into his neck, making Cas almost lose his grip on him.

“Dean” he warned lightly, an amused smile creeping up his lips.

“Come on come on. Come over to the dark side. _Neeear faaar whereeeever you aaare.._ sing it baby..” Dean crooked his finger temptingly making Cas chuckle and shake his head.

They were all pretty drunk but Dean was the worst kind. When Dean got drunk, he went into a musical world and Cas had a lot many off key screams and notes from the past to remind him of it.

“Let’s put Titanic to sleep, shall we?” he suggested deadpanned, lifting a giggling Dean up towards the bedroom.

Dropping a dead weight Dean on their bed, Cas shook his head in wonderment.

_Husband. My husband._

The words were so alien yet so comforting on his lips that he spent the next fifteen minutes muttering the same thing over and over. His fingers ghosted possessively over Dean, who was snoring by now. It was their wedding night and his husband was already asleep, Cas thought with a smile. But he didn’t care about it. They had spent countless nights together for him to begrudge one night of today.

_And there will be countless more from tomorrow. With my husband._

Cas felt giddy with happiness and wanted to shake Dean awake to share it. He settled for cuddling him and whispering his love into Dean’s ear, instead.

_I love you._

They had probably slept for a couple of hours when Dean awoke in a sweat. He looked to his right and saw Cas’ side empty but warm. His heart was still beating fast and his brow was wet from sweat.

_Just a dream. Just a dream. He’s safe. We’re safe._

Dean rubbed his forehead with a shivering hand, tracing the smooth lines below the hairline. He could feel the panic bursting at his throat and stroked his wedding ring in reassurance.

_Just a dream Dean. No crying kids. No. Just a dream._

He tried to convince his brain of the fact but the panic wouldn’t subside. Gathering some energy from the adrenaline, he slowly got off the bed. He needed space. He needed to breathe. He picked up his phone from the bedside table and rushed out.

And collided into the hard frame of his husband.

_Don’t lose it. Don’t lose it._

His eyes fell on the beautiful yet confused face, blue eyes widening in worry. Balancing himself on Cas’ upper arms, he tried to think of something that would calm him down.

“Dean? Dean! What’s wrong babe?” Cas rubbed the shivering man’s arms in soothing strokes. He could literally feel the panic roll off the trembling body.

“I thought..that noise..you” Dean tried to get a whole sentence past his lips but his throat kept choking up on itself.

Cas waited for a few moments, simply rubbing warmth into Dean’s body. He let the other man use him as support and take deep breaths. Gently guiding him back to the bed, Cas lay them both back on the bed, tucking Dean into his arms firmly.

Dean found himself breathing with Cas, following his pattern easily. He felt his panic subside slowly and leaned into Cas further.

“Dean?” the question was evident and Dean closed his eyes.

“You weren’t there. Nightmare.”

The mumbled answer made Cas feel guilty. Dean had a nightmare and needed him but he wasn’t there.

“I’m sorry Dean. I was just talking to Naomi. She wanted to know about the wedding and apparently forgot the time difference between US and Australia.”

Dean simply nodded at that. Naomi was Cas’ best friend in Australia who sent Dean letters every year for his birthday, Christmas and New Year.

“How is she?” he asked, trying to change the subject from the nightmare. Cas sensed it and complied “Still a bitch. Up to no good. Pissing her colleagues off.” Cas shrugged as he ticked off the things his best friend did always.

Dean snorted at that “That sounds like fun”

Cas smiled and nuzzled Dean’s hair, getting a pleasant hum in response.

“We should get some sleep.” He suggested softly, pulling the sheets over them.

“Don’t go away” Dean mumbled in response, his eyes already shutting.

Cas sighed in contentment and kissed Dean’s hair one last time.

“I’ll be here.”


	6. Chapter 6

Dean had heard about marital bliss and honeymoon periods for too long to negate them. He felt lucky when he basked in both for the first few months of their marriage. They had spent New Year’s with his family and friends where Charlie had announced her decision to marry her girlfriend. Charlie wasn’t big on making statements but her model fiancée wanted nothing short of a Met Gala. All through Groundhog Day, Valentine’s day and his own birthday, Dean had been involved in the big wedding planning.

Cas had made sure that the nights were meant for planning of a more delicious kind.

In March, Balthazar had come back from London, bringing his latest girlfriend in tow. Dean didn’t care that she was a psychiatrist and an Army brat. He was never sure about any pick-ups Balthazar brought home. But an hour into lunch and Cas knew that Dean was totally floored by Anna. After all, who could resist a girl who made Balthazar Novak shut up with one-liners, wit and smirks?

Then came April with its Summer breeze and exam schedules. With Charlie’s wedding just a month away, Dean was sure his head would snap with all the work. Strangely for him, Sam stepped up and took over the wedding planning effortlessly from him. Dean hinted that he was doing it for the special attention from Charlie’s lady friends. Cas shut him up by saying that he was doing it for Dean and Charlie.

By the time it was May, Dean was ready to relax into his happy bubble and get used to it.

Only to have it break.

It had started slowly, like the invisible cracks in the walls before they marred the smooth paint. Cas was getting busier with work and had to spend more nights on duty. Dean said that he understood it, which was true for the first 3 weeks. But then, like trouble always comes, the issues piled up in a gooey mess.

Maybe it was his imagination, but Dean felt that Cas was being formal with him as of late. There was no other word for it; he would pull out his chair when they went for dinners, hold his hand when they walked down the park and kiss him gently when he turned to him expectantly. It was all there, but not the same. Dean could feel it in his gut, the slight aloofness and formality in every action.

Maybe it was because of the hallucinations.

They ‘crying kid’ and the ‘knives’ had not stopped after their wedding. The first couple of times, Cas had calmed him down as always, hugging him and kissing his fear away. Dean would tell him to stay and Cas would simply carry him to bed, answering him by touch.

Then it started getting embarrassing. Cas insisted that Dean was just tired and needed to sleep more. But he knew. Dean knew that Cas worried. He could see it in the wary look that would flash across his favourite blue eyes every time Cas would leave Dean to go to work early. He could see that Cas was feeling the fear rub into him too.

Dean tried to scream at the noises when they started. He would plead the kid to stop and lock himself away in the washroom when the knives started. He was scaring Cas, he knew that. But he didn’t know how to stop.

They never told their friends about any of it.

Dean realized one day, locked in the washroom that the sounds came only when he was at home alone. So he began staying away from home more often. At first he would visit the town library. He would read and read and try to gouge out the echoes from his brain through the words. On weekdays, when he knew Cas would be late, he would hang back at the University on the pretext of work or research.

Cas either didn’t see this or simply let Dean cope with things on his own.

Their sex life was falling apart too. Dean wanted to talk, wanted to rekindle the passion. He even tried seducing Cas one night during the rains of July. The look on Cas’ face as he came home in the wee hours of dawn told him that he was losing. They simply slept by each other, hands touching but faces turned away.

And then one day Cas said that he would sleep on the couch. That’s when the drinking began.

Dean was always a bad drunk. Cas had always teased him about his capacity being as much of a sparrow. Maybe that was a good thing. Dean stocked up the kitchen with every kind of alcohol he found and the dinners had more to drink than eat. He wanted Cas to get angry, shake him and make him stop. But Cas simply ate and left the table with a quick kiss to Dean’s head.

Dean shut out any attempts from Sam, Cain or Kevin to talk to him. Balthazar and Anna had left for London months back, planning to settle down there. Charlie had tried to call him from Canada, where she had settled down with Leila. He had shut them all out. And gradually he didn’t need to anymore. The rings stopped and friends became scarce visitors.

Dean wanted to know if Cas spoke to them. If Cas behaved the same way with _them_ as he had before. But for that he had to see Cas. His husband, who was now obviously avoiding him.

It was all that marital bliss, Dean cursed himself. He should have stayed content with what they had before. He shouldn’t have asked Cas to marry him. It was the bloody marital bliss jinx.

Looking at the blue band on his left hand, Dean felt his eyes mist “You promised you’ll be there.” He whispered to the ring, somehow expecting to hear an answer. The only answer he got were those damned cries again.

Something snapped inside Dean at that sound. He was tired. Tired of being scared. Tired of waiting for something to hurt him. Standing up on wobbly feet, he pushed himself in the direction of the sound.

“Come out you coward! Come out and face me!” he slurred as his feet followed the feeble cries like the rats followed the Piper. Dean didn’t know why he was standing in front of the bedroom but the noise was still coming and he went towards it.

It was going to stop. Dean knew by now that the sound lasted only till he almost found it. “Not this time” he muttered before dragging his feet faster. When he reached Cas’ closet, Dean cocked his head to the side. The cries were coming from it.

_Now I’m imagining the closet to be crying_

Dean was sure that he had finally lost it. Barking a mad laugh, he swung the door open, ready to face whatever his mind was conjuring.

There were only clothes inside. Dean wanted to sink down from exhaustion and alcohol but kept hold of that single thread of sanity as his eyes fell on the drawers.

The drawers were flung open, throwing their contents all over the room. Dean heard watches and bottles crash into the ground but didn’t care.

_So close. So close._

When his hand touched the locker below the last drawer, Dean blinked for a moment. The cries had stopped but Dean was sure that they had come from here. He almost gave up and walked back to the bed when he heard it.

The knives. From the locker.

The familiar clutches of fear were clawing at his throat now. He didn’t want to do it. Didn’t want to face anything. Dean was ready to shut the closet and rush out when the blue band on his finger caught his eye. His wedding ring. Cas.

He remembered the months of coldness. The last few weeks he hadn’t seen Cas at all. The year before, when things had been fine. His bubble, his happy bubble.

Hands fumbling, Dean pulled at the locker and took a deep breath to see the true form of his madness.

A cell-phone.

Before Dean could process it, his hand was clutching the phone and pressing the call button. He could feel sweat trickling down his back and his legs wanting to give out.

“Naomi?”


	7. Chapter 7

“Naomi?”

There was no mistaking the voice, but Dean’s brain took a moment to grasp at it.

Cas. It was Cas’ voice.

“Cas?” Dean whispered into the phone, sure that it was another horrid hallucination. Surely Cas would not be calling him.

“D..Dean?” the shock in the voice on the other end made warning bells ring in Dean’s brain. Before he could say anything else, the line was cut.

Dean stared at the phone for a few minutes in silence.

Cas had called him. No, Cas had called Naomi, he realized as he remembered the name. Dean could feel the urge to throw up and pass out grow in him. But he had something to hold on to now. Rushing into the bathroom as fast as his tripping legs would afford, Dean puked his bowels out. Pushing himself up with weak hands, he splashed cold water on his face repeatedly.

_Get up. Get up!_

He needed to be awake. He needed to be sober to figure out what was happening. He drank some cold water for good measure and felt his eyes open better.

Sitting down on the toilet, Dean looked at the phone in his hand. It wasn’t his or Cas’. He had never seen this phone before. He went through the call list and saw the same number throughout the list.

_Manny_

Now Dean was sure he was going crazy. He saw the number closely. It was Cas’. But the name was Manny. Dean called back on the number but didn’t get any response. He stared at the screen for a whole minute before going back to the bedroom.

Looking back into the locker, Dean saw another phone. He didn’t recognise this one as well. Somewhere in the back of his brain, Dean could hear panic screams begin. He took both the phones and sat on the bed.

When he stumbled across the voice mail on the second phone, Dean hesitated. But the thought of Cas calling this phone and asking for Naomi made him press the button.

_“Naomi? It’s Manny. I can’t do this anymore. Please..please don’t hurt him. I promise..I’ll stay away. Please..please don’t hurt my baby.”_

Dean froze. That was Cas’ voice again. And he sounded scared. The panic screams in his brain grew louder but Dean pressed on. He saw the unheard voice mail list and played on.

_“Naomi? Manny here. I..I think we should stop talking. Dean is not well. This is hurting him. I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”_

_“Naomi? Emmanuel. Listen, the wedding went great. But I think Dean isn’t happy with me. I need help. Meet me?”_

_“Naomi? Guess what? Charlie’s getting married. Dean is in full crazy mode. I could use a little bit of buddy talk. Meet me?”_

_“Naomi? So we just celebrated our first New Year as husbands. I’ve got so much to say. Let’s meet?”_

_“Naomi? We finally got married! I can’t believe how happy I am. I wish you could have seen it. Come meet me please?”_

Dean could feel the ice grow closer to his heart now. The last message. It was dated back to their wedding. The wedding night when Cas had talked to Naomi.

He heard the message again. Cas was asking Naomi to meet him in every message. But Naomi was in Australia. He knew that she was in..

No he didn’t. With a jolt Dean got up and opened his closet. The letters. The letters she sent every year.

Opening them, he read through her words. They were normal sounding. And the address said Australia. But the stamps.

For the first time Dean noticed that the stamps weren’t right. He had never paid attention to them before. He would always read the letters and Cas would keep the envelopes away.

_Was Cas lying to me?_

Dean could feel his heart break at the thought but a tiny part of his brain refused to believe that. There was something else. Something he was missing.

Dean went back to the phones and played the messages again. He was fiddling with one when he reached the ringtone section. It was an instinct that made him play the current one.

The sound of a crying kid pierced the room.

Dean dropped the phone from limp hands. This was his hallucination. This cell phone. It had been in the house all along.

_Had Cas done this deliberately? Did he want to scare me?_

Bile rose in his throat at the thought but Dean forced his brain to think. This was something big.

He tried to remember every time he had the hallucinations. They were always at home. But Dean already knew that. He closed his eyes to recreate the occasions again.

_Something is missing. Something is miss.._

With a stop of his heartbeat, Dean realized that Cas wasn’t there. He was never with Dean when he heard those cries. He never heard those hallucinations.

The silence of the room weighed heavily against the panic screams of his brain. What was happening? Why was Cas calling Naomi to meet him? Why did he call himself by his middle name?

After a beat Dean had another thought that chilled him to his bones.

_Who was Naomi really?_

Dean had tried to break things down by himself. He tried to call Cas desperately but the number was switched off. He needed to talk to someone he could trust. Someone who could help him with Cas. Someone who knew Cas as well as he did.

The answer was obvious.

Dean picked up his phone and dialled the number. The British sounding voice that greeted him made him pray that this was the answer.

Thirty minutes later when Dean sat on the couch in shock, he felt like his world had exploded.

It had taken only ten minutes of talking with Balthazar for Dean to know that he had never met Naomi as well. But Balthazar said that he had been in boarding school all his life and so didn’t really meet all of Cas’ friends. That is when he suggested that Dean talk to Gabriel.

Dean had never spoken to Cas’ oldest brother before. He had learnt very early into their relationship that Cas did not share a good relationship with anyone from his family, apart from Balthazar. He had heard the stories of them treating him bad because of his homosexuality and had resolved never to talk to them. Now he wished he had spoken to them sooner.

_“There is no Naomi” Gabriel said in a quiet sigh “When we were really young, Cas had this imagination that he had a friend in fencing class called Naomi Wilkinson. It was just an imagination to keep him from getting sad because of the bullying. Whenever he felt left out or ignored, he would talk to the mirror and say that his Naomi would protect him. It was all a childish game.”_

A childish game. Imagination. Protect him.

The words were floating in front of Dean’s eyes like a mix of deadly chemicals. He remembered Anna telling him about these things once, when they were out for lunch.

_“What’s that you’re reading about?” Dean asked curiously, glancing at the book in Anna’s hands._

_“Far Side of Madness” she replied absently, engrossed in the book._

_“You’re reading about madness?” he frowned trying to read the back cover._

_“Schizophrenia. It’s like a horror house where you are trapped by your own imagination. It’s not madness, it’s a condition that needs to be handled carefully and compassionately.”_

_“Do people get violent in this condition?” Dean was always fishing for information._

_“Sometimes. When left untreated, the imagination will cloud your perception of reality. You may feel the need to protect yourself or somebody from things that aren’t real. If threatened, violence could become a path.”_

Cas had been locked with Naomi all through this time. He had got her two phones, to make himself believe that she existed. He was sinking and now Dean knew that he felt threatened.

All sense of confusion and fear left him when he understood that it wasn’t him who was having hallucinations. It was Cas.

The reality knocked the air out of his lungs but Dean didn’t have time to think more. He needed to find Cas. He needed to get him home.

Picking up his phone along with ‘Naomi’s phones’ he snatched the car keys off the wall and rushed out.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean couldn’t waste time. He tried to think of the exact place Cas would be in.

Station? No.

A friend’s place? Not if he wanted to be alone.

The park? No.

The University? No!

There were only so many places he could think of in his panic. The fact that Cas had taken the Impala instead of his own car, didn’t make any sense either. Dean drove aimlessly for a while, dropping a message to Sam to search for Cas.

_Where will you go? Where will you be Cas?_

When it struck him, Dean felt like an idiot.

_Of course._

The drive was faster now that Dean knew where he was going. He didn’t know how or why he knew; he was just trusting his instincts.

As he reached the secluded clearing, the headlights of the car flashed against the sign of the pond.

The very same place they had come fishing for the first time.

_Please be there. Please be there baby._

When he spotted the Impala at a distance he almost cried out his thanks to the Gods. Rushing through the clearing, he searched for his husband. His Cas.

“You came.” Dean whirled around at the voice, seeing a tired and worn out version of Cas. He could see the bloodshot eyes sunken into the socket, the fatigue lines clear around his eyes and the dejected expression tilting his mouth downwards.

This was what it had come to, Dean shuddered as he saw the pain Cas had gone through.

_How did I not see this? How did I not see you Cas?_

“I did.” Dean replied instead, cautious eyes spotting the long knife and gun in Cas’ hands. He could taste panic now and it was at its bitterest.

“I tried.” Cas muttered, his shoulders dropping “I tried to save you. She told me she would find you if I stayed. So I left. I tried.”

Dean felt a stab of pain at the words. All these days he had imagined Cas to be oblivious. He had believed that Cas was ignoring him because he was scared of him. When the truth was on the other end of the spectrum.

Cas was scared for Dean.

“I know Cas” Dean began, raising his hands slowly into open palms, his heart thudding against his ribs “I know you tried. I’m safe Cas. We’re both safe.”

The look of horror on Cas’ face made Dean freeze. It wasn’t directed at him. It was at somebody behind him.

“She’s here. She found you.” The broken whisper from the man he loved made Dean want to run and pull Cas into his arms. But he remembered that Cas had two weapons in his hands.

“Cas, look at me. Look at me” Dean tried to get his attention “Baby, she isn’t going to hurt us. Naomi can’t hurt us anymore.”

 Apparently saying the name was the wrong thing to do because Cas scrambled back in fear, hitting the Impala’s hood.

“No! No you don’t understand! She won’t let us be together! She wants to kill you!” There was a pause before the panic on Cas’ face morphed into pure terror “She wants _me_ to kill you!”

Dean wanted to turn around and slash out the imaginary Naomi. He could see Cas clutching the gun tighter.

_No no no_

“Cas! Look at me!” Dean was getting desperate “Look at me! You don’t have to listen to her anymore. This isn’t real babe. You don’t have to listen to her!”

He had heard that hearts could break but the cowering form in front of him actually made him feel it. He could feel every artery and vein connected to his heart pop. He could feel the beats stop when he saw Cas pleading.

“Please! Please don’t make me do this! Please…Oh God! Oh God no..Naomi please..” the sobs were gut wrenching and Cas was almost writhing on the ground, begging an imaginary woman to leave him.

Dean felt his own sobs break out at the sight in front of him. He couldn’t go any closer to Cas because every time he tried, Cas yelled at him to stay back.

“Cas, baby please” Dean tried to get the wretched voices out of his husband’s head “Please come back to me. Please come back baby. I need you. I love you Cas!”

The words only made Cas sob harder. To Dean’s horror Cas began to beat his own head with the gun’s back.

“No no no no no! I can’t do this! Don’t make me do this please! Take me! Kill me instead! Kill me!” the pleas from Cas’s mouth made Dean fall to his knees.

“No! Baby stop! No God please! Stop this!” the last words were directed to thin air as though Dean really could see Naomi.

He could see Cas raise the gun with shaking hands. He saw Cas plead, yell and beg to the invisible air.

“Dean! Make her stop! Please! God why..NO! NO NO please no..I love him Naomi please..” Cas didn’t lower the gun but bowed into himself with sobs wrecking his body.

Dean watched with horror as Cas looked back at him, his eyes blurry with tears and lips pouring out his love.

“Cas..”

“I love you Dean. I love you..I can’t..I love you”

“Cas no! You can fight this. I’ll help you baby. Please! Please come back! You promised you’ll be there with me! You promised!” Dean didn’t know where Cas had gone but he wanted him back. His sobs had turned into hiccups but Dean still begged. He begged for his Cas to come back.

He didn’t know what happened but something in what he said made Cas change. Dean could see the moment the helplessness left and something akin to resignation settled in those blue eyes. They weren’t the blue eyes that laughed for him. These were eyes that were dying into themselves.

“I promised” Cas whispered “I’ll be there”

“Cas?..NO!”

The gun shot could be heard through the ripples of the lake nearby. There was a scream, an inhumane yell of pain. And then there was silence.


	9. Chapter 9 :Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started writing this piece, I was in an extremely dark place. It was the anniversary of a loved one's death and I could sense the old wounds open again. I usually stick to writing journal entries when I am in that mood but something made me do this instead. I love Dean and Cas as characters - in the show and in my head. I relate to them as people with natural instincts, lives and feelings. So when I had a seed of a story, I decided to plant it into the Supernatural soil. I know how much of angst and feels we get on the show as it is, so I send all my hugs and love to anyone who gets sad. 
> 
> I love it when I get feedback, like any anxious person does. So if you read this and have an opinion, a shoe to throw or a simple cookie to share please do. I promise to treasure them for as long as my memory serves me.

The snow was sinking with every foot print as the coat clad man trudged to the abandoned spot. People said that it was haunted. Haunted by madness, unidentified screams and death.

To him, there was nothing more haunting than silence.

He brushed past a snow covered tree, making bundles of white cover his dark hair. He didn’t react, simply shaking it off and moving forward. When he reached the spot he had searched for, he stood. The silence of the icy winds and ripples under the freezing pond blew over him as he simply stood at the spot that had taken everything away from him.

“I got you something.” He said, looking at the small rock on the sand. It was nothing spectacular, just a simple old rock with words carved into it.

Leaning forward, he placed a book on the sand. The cover’s blue caught the light and glinted for a bit. There was a picture of two hands entangled with each other, the fingers fitting perfectly in spaces. There was nothing extraordinary about the hands, one small and the other with long fingers. Nothing apart from the rings adorning two fingers. Blue and white.

There was a gust of wind and some snow fell onto the book, covering one part of it. You could read one half of a name on the right hand corner.

The man sat down before the stone and opened another book. It was a diary of sorts. Old leather and fading pages. The writing was fading too. Or maybe it was his eyesight.

“Let’s pick up from where we left last shall we?” the man spoke to the rock before adjusting his glasses and reading

_..And then I felt him come back. My Dean. My professor. He had come back to me with the same love he left with. I could sense it in the scent of his touch. Freshly mown grass. It is my smell of home…_

_...He wants to get married. I can’t believe that the most perfect man I know wants to be married to me. He chose me. I don’t know why. When he asked me the same question I told him the truth. He is the only fish in my seas. But what am I to him? I don’t know. I do know though, that he loves me. And that’s enough…_

_…My first Valentine’s day as a married man. I didn’t understand why people raved about one day for love. For me and Dean, every day is for love. I live for him. Someday, maybe he will know how much I need him…._

_…He is hurting. I am hurting him. Why am I still alive when my Dean is breaking because of me? I need to stop this. I promised to save him. I will not hurt him…_

The man stopped reading to clean his glasses. The tears on their inside had made the words blur into the paper. He had been doing this for the last 10 years and still, every time it hurt. Taking a deep breath, he closed the journal.

He would continue the next time.

“Happy anniversary” he whispered, touching the rock with his fingertips. His eye caught another rock by the side and felt the tears flow down freely.

“To both of you.” He amended before placing the single roses on the rocks. Blue and white.

As the man got up and walked back, there was another blow of wind, clearing the snow away from the book and opening it. An old piece of newspaper fluttered out from the first page, the headline faded but visible.

_A suicide and a murder: Couple found dead at by fishing pond_

There was nobody to read it anymore. The book seemed to realize that and closed back with another gust of wind. The letters were clear now, the author’s name embossed in gold.

_Sam Winchester_

As the wind blew snow over the rocks sitting side by side, the title of the book beckoned the silence to its story.

 _I’ll be there_.

Somewhere in the distance a car started and the faint sounds of quiet settled over the area where nobody came. Except those who were already there.

 _I’ll be there_.


End file.
